Leaving Her Behind
by AJeff
Summary: Is Jarod gone for good? I've decided to continue on instead of doing a oneshot. My first chapter seemed incomplete and I needed to have Jarod and Miss Parker resolve whatever they need to resolve.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own "The Pretender"**

**Author's Note: I know I should be finishing up my last chapter of "Her Kidnapper's Heart", but I really wanted to post this. Just got through watching a few episodes of my new "Season 4" dvd.**

Not all life stories end tragically, nor do they always end with happy endings. My life revolved around that beautiful "Ice Queen". A number of times, she shut me out of her life. Other than our cat and mouse game, which was the only relationship we had with each other, she had completely forgotten how much I had meant to her those many years so long ago. Best friends, we were indeed.

"What?" was her favorite salutation when I'd hear her voice on the end of my telephone line. My apology to Miss Parker for leaving her behind. I so wanted her to be my side. But, she was the "enemy". She was so angry with life. Life is what you make it to be. I've never really known her thoughts and feelings for me. Well, there was just that one time, on the Island, she let that invisible wall of hers down. Almost. If it weren't for that interruption, would she have fallen into my arms? I guess I'll never know.

It became exhausting calling her in the early mornings, leaving ridiculous clues of my whereabouts. In the very beginning, it was fun and exciting listening to her as she growled, snapped and hissed at me. I taunted her. But then, with each passing day, my moods had begun to become erratic. I'd be smiling one second and slamming things down the very next minute. My world doesn't revolve around her, not anymore. It wasn't easy to have walked away, this time for good. But, that was the best choice I had ever made, although, there are times when my heart still aches for her.

She made me feel like I was nothing but a lab specimen. Her own little "lab rat". Sometimes, you hurt the very ones you love. Love? I don't think so. Silently, she damaged my self-esteem and made me feel unloved and worthless. We shared no relationship. I was just fed up with all the things we've been through. It saddened me to have left. But, I am not a glutton for insults.

It was for both our own good which I had made a decision to leave. I wanted my freedom. So, I left.

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He left me. That little "lab rat" left me all alone. I wonder if he's gone for good. He never asked me to join him. He was my "best friend". Didn't he know that? It was just a job. I really had no intentions of ever shooting him each time I pulled that pistol at him. I never brought him back to "The Centre". Did I?

Maybe he thought I was slowly moving away from him. I wasn't. He was my best friend, my only friend. As if it was yesterday, I can see us laughing at the sometimes funny things that happened at "The Centre" and the serious things we use to talk about. Like life. Our lives. I'd fallen in love with him and I did not take the time to let him know. He would have stayed. Wouldn't he? How would he have known I really did love him? I hurled insults every chance I got. He didn't deserve the cruelty that was brought upon him. He comforted me in times of need. And I've never thanked him for his tenderness.

Jarod made a difference in my life. He fought for what he felt was right. That last telephone call of his was simple and to the point. "I'm leaving soon. Take care of yourself, Parker. Goodbye." He's bloody gone for good. And there's no one to blame but myself. I've never heard from him ever again. Where is he now? Will he even remember me at all several years down the road. I've never felt this much emptiness in my heart.

I guess it was time for "my pretender" to spread his wings, to fly away, to soar like an eagle and find what dreams are really made of. I wasn't included in those dreams of his. I've spent all these months lying awake crying in my bed. My days are unbearable without him. But, my nights are even more torture. I've been waiting for those phone calls of his. But, it never comes. There were months at a time when I wouldn't hear from him, but, this time, it is definitely permanent. Hell would freeze over before he'll ever allow himself to come back into my life.

To think, I was just about to let him know how I felt about him, and he leaves. I never told him goodbye. I never wanted to. But, it was his decision to finally take a step back away from this "Ice Queen". I've told myself that I'd never shed another tear for him. Since when do I ever listen to myself. He's been a part of me for so long, how do I go on with life without him? Somebody tell me. Maybe he's found his happiness with someone else.

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It's been six months since he's gone. And I'm still crying over him. It hadn't gotten any better. I'm just merely existing. "Well, Parker! You really screwed your life up." There's my telephone ringing again. Can't Sydney or Broots take a hint. I really want to be left alone. I don't need for them to check up on me every single night. Finally, it stopped. Damned! There it goes again.

"What? Sydney, Broots. I'm fine. Like I was yesterday, last night, today and tonight."

"Oh, I'm glad you're fine. I'm not. Maybe, I should let you go?"

I practically yelled into the mouthpiece. "Jarod!"

"Yes, it's me." He answered softly.

There was silence. "Are you back?" I asked.

"I suppose."

"It's either a yes or no."

"Well, Parker, it depends if you'll let me back into your life or not."

"Where are you?" My heart pounded loudly.

"I'm outside your front door."

I rushed to the door and took a deep breath.

"I'm back, Parker."

There is no way am I going to screw up this relationship, this time.

**TBC- Chapter 2**


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you going to let me in, Parker?"

He smiled, but was almost afraid to. He probably expected me to pull out my 9mm. That mole under his eye, those dimples, which was visible underneath his unshaven face were his greatest assets. He hasn't changed, he's still dressed in his usual blacks, jeans, tee-shirt and leather jacket.

"Jarod." I'm sure he could have heard my heart as it exploded out of my chest.

He walked into my living room and out of habit, his eyes quickly glanced around the area.

"No one's here. No sweepers. The chase was called off since you've been gone."

He unzipped his jacket, took it off and placed it on my sofa. He did a once over on me, then, twice.

"How are you, Miss Parker?" He walked over to my liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink and swallowed hard. He poured another one and offered it to me.

"No, thank you." He gulped it down, this time faster than the first.

He seemed annoyed. "Put on a robe, Parker. You always answer the door like that?" His eyes slowly moved from top to bottom, then up again to my red laced satin teddy.

There was a time when I would have yelled at him. "What's it to you?" Instead, I reached over for my baggy old sweatshirt which was on my recliner and threw it on me.

He stood by the window and looked out. "I've passed your house several times in the last six months. I had the urge each time to knock on your door."

The reflection of his face was clearly mirrored on the glass. I felt his pain on the inside of his soul. What have I done? I wanted to wrap my arms around him from behind, but I held back. Instead, I gently touched his shoulder. He made no movement by my touch.

"Why didn't you, Jarod? I never wanted you to leave." I'm sure he felt my breath against his neck.

He turned, his face was just inches from mine, but, he moved away slowly. "You got any smokes, Miss Parker?"

"What?" I clutched my chest. "I quit smoking. When did you pick up my once bad habit?"

"After Scotland. Well, do you have any on you or not?"

I pointed to the mantel place. "Probably stale by now."

Like a long time smoker, he packed the box of cigarettes against his palm, than dangled a stick on the edge of his mouth as he spoke. "Not a habit. Just need one from time to time." He lit it and inhaled deeply. He even blew out cigar rings. "Want a puff?" He held it out to me.

"I said I quit those cancer sticks." My pretender inhaled several times before he smothered the ashes into an ashtray.

"So, I gather Sydney and Broots have been checking up on you. Why? Since when does the great Miss Parker need anyone checking up on her."

He spoke with such an attitude. I really wasn't sure at that moment, if I wanted to slap him for his cockiness or for being away. What was I supposed to have told him? That they've been worried about me since the day he left.

His hands ran through his long locks and was due for a much needed haircut. "What I really want to know, what's been eating me up all these years...what did I do to you, for you to have hated me so much?"

"I never said I hated you." I held back my tears. "It's not what you think. I-I...I don't know what to say."

"Yes, that's you're problem. You never know what to say, the right things to say. Have you ever thought of what you were doing to me inside? Slowly sticking a knife through my heart, a little at a time, jabbing me deeper and deeper until I couldn't take it no more. And that's why I left."

It was just like old times as we exchanged words back and forth at each other. "I knew. I knew why you left. I knew every time I said those awful things to you, I could see your heart crumble to pieces."

"And why did you? You kept pushing my buttons until I couldn't take it anymore." His chocolate colored eyes penetrated at me as if he could actually see through me.

"I'm sorry." I gently caressed his face. He surprised me when he allowed it.

"If Catherine could see you now. What you've grown up to be, she'd be disappointed in you." He said painfully.

"Look, I'm not Catherine. My mother died a long time ago. I'll never be like her." I tearfully told him.

"I know. She was a very gracious lady." He grabbed his jacket. "You know, I was wrong in coming here. But, I really did miss you. I thought I could pass all of this hurt, but, I should have left matters alone."

I pulled his arm. "You think you can just waltz right in after six months of your disappearing act and leave again? Over my dead body. I missed you, too! You think it was easy for me when you suddenly decided to leave? But, you left before I had a chance to tell you how I felt about you. I was dying inside. That little light I had inside of me flickered off when you left." I sure as hell wasn't going to let him leave.

Not having believed a word I'd just said, he snapped at me. "Are you the saddest little valentine?"

"I'm your saddest little valentine, aren't I, Jarod?" As I sat on the sofa, I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my face down. I cried. I heard him sigh loudly.

"Stop it." His voice was deep. Again, he spoke. "I said stop it."

I looked up at him as tears dribbled down my face. He sat down and pulled me close. "Oh Parker, I hate it when you cry."

I leaned my head on his shoulder. "And I hate it when you make me cry. I've been crying since you've been gone."

"And I've been crying since I left." His voice cracked. "You're sweating. Raise your hand above your head."

I do as I'm told and he slipped my sweatshirt off. "Cooler?"

I only nodded and rested my head back on his shoulder. I touched his unshaven face. "Why did you come back, Jarod?"

"I left because of you. Before that, I thought things out, the bad outweighed the good." I felt his hand under my top. Gently, his fingers moved slowly on my back, on my bare skin. "You've inherited Catherine's inner sense. So, tell me why I'm back, because I really don't know why." I felt his lips kiss the top of my head.

"Because you love me." I stated and raised my head to him.

"Because I love you, Parker. I can't seem to stay away from you. And I know you love me."

"And I love you, Jarod."

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It hadn't been a dream, like those lonely nights after Scotland, where I'd be sprawled on my bed, all alone. He laid beside me on my living room carpet, fast asleep, exhausted from our vigorous workout. We cuddled as he fell asleep. I couldn't, I was afraid I would awaken to find everything we shared had been but just a dream. But, It wasn't. I felt his skin on mine. The tip of his tongue trailed above my low neckline. He felt the rapid pulse underneath my skin. Each time he kissed me, touched me, electrical shocks had gone through my body. And I wanted more.

Having the urgency to touch him again, I reached out to him. He reacted to my touches and flipped me on my back. I grabbed hold of his buttocks, pulled his body on me and felt his hardness burning against me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and repeated our performance which we had done several hours ago. My breath quickened with anticipation. We were ready for each other. Hot, wet and breathing heavily, uncontrollably, we couldn't stop. Our hunger for each other couldn't fade. Our bodies were drenched in sweat. I held back for just a bit and waited for his moment of release as I followed immediately after. Again and again.

"What are you thinking of?" He whispered as he pulled me into his arms.

"We have lives we never chose, never wanted."

"Is there an us, Parker? What do you see tomorrow, a month from now, a year, five years from now? What do you see in your future?" Suddenly, he asked.

"I've never really thought about it. Aside from "The Centre" I saw nothing in my future, the next day would always be a blank page in my book. But now, just this one night had changed my life forever. I see you. I see you in my future." I answered. "And you?"

"I could never see anyone in my book but you. You were always my weakness. You are my future, Parker. Are you ready to face our world?"

"Yes," I answered without hesitation.

**TBC - Chapter 3**


	3. Chapter 3

I listened to the rapid rain as heavy drops vigorously hit against the window. I pressed the palms of my hand on the cold glass. One year, three months and thirteen days since that day he walked back into my life. It seemed like it was only yesterday. My mind often trailed off on that night we had given into each other. I even remembered my rug burns on my back when he pointed it out to me after our night of wild passion. After our second lovemaking that night, as exhausted as I was, he pulled me up, embraced me tightly and we danced slowly, seductively and nakedly in each others arms, to a silent music only we alone heard. It was my favorite memory of us. We danced our way into the bedroom and soon fell asleep. I was relaxed as I laid beside him in bed. For the first time in my life, I knew what I wanted was Jarod, with me forever. I felt a sense of completion which I've never felt before.

There is another memory I've treasured since I was so very young. I can still vividly see the look on his face when he first laid eyes on me through the glass. Although that glass wall separated us, it was the first time I felt his touch when our fingers met. With our first kiss as children, he was never the type to express his feelings for someone, so, I had to do it, it had to be done. I was the initiator. He must have felt awkward as our two lips met. He'd been sheltered all of his life. What did he know about kissing? It wasn't something Sydney could have talked to him about.

I've never felt strongly about anyone as with Jarod. If he asked me why I had fallen in love with him, I wouldn't have known the correct answer on how he made me feel or why. It was just something I couldn't explain. There isn't enough words to describe the feelings I have for him. I have a favorite picture of us, in my mind, of our arms wrapped around each other, he kissing me repeatedly as he professed his love.

I gazed at the still rainy scene before me. It's cold. So, very cold tonight. Some people always have songs in their heads, writers have scenarios of their next scenes, and then there's me. I hear his voice in my head. He's always with me. I still dream of him. I never knew it would feel like this. There was no mention of how loving someone and being in love with someone was also a frightening effect. I have nightmares of being alone.

It's after midnight now. Another day had passed. One year, three months and fourteen days since that day. I closed my eyes and felt his arms strongly secured around me. I leaned my back against his chest and pulled his arms tightly. He gently kissed the back of my neck.

"Hey, coming to bed? What are you thinking of? You seem like a thousand miles away."

"Us."

"So, is that a good thing or bad?" He nibbled on my ears, turned me around and met my lips and as always, his kisses sent electrical waves between us. "What are you afraid of? I'm happy to be here with you." He swayed his lower body along with mine.

"Ummm." He made be feel safe.

"I've been in love with you since I set eyes on you."

I couldn't understand why he loved me. "Why? What is it about me?"

"Everything. You're mine to love." He whispered.

At that very instance, I felt more wanted, needed, happy, but must of all I felt loved.

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We both grew old and gray together. We have two beautiful grown children, a son and a daughter. I've never felt so much love in my life. She was the perfect wife and the perfect mother. Since "daddy" was out of the picture, when he leaped out of that plane and jumped to his death, her commitment to "The Centre" ceased. She only committed herself to her family.

I watched young couples cuddling each other as I walked through the park each day. I remember being young once. I know I would never experience the joy and happiness with anyone else but her. We were bonded to each other.

I'm still holding on to memories of long ago. I was the one she shared her body with on those long nights of intimacy. She'd have her head pressed against my chest and listened to the sound of my heart beating, eventually falling asleep. We were meant for each other.

No one could have ever pulled us apart.

Then, sadness suddenly crashed into me, unexpectedly. In a split second, my world changed. She was my best friend, wife and lover. How could she have just left me here alone? That wasn't part of our deal. All in one moment, my dream had become a nightmare. My nights are lonely now. I wished I could have held on to her forever. She had given me a lifetime of happiness. Her presence still haunts me.

My wife's gone, never to return. I've cried so much until there were no more tears left in me. I'm exhausted and drained. There on our dresser still laid her wallet. Inside was a photograph of us on our wedding day and of a recent group picture with the kids. Before I go to bed each night, I spray her favorite perfume into the air. I close my eyes and imagine she's still with me. I know there are things I need to do. But, how do you put away a part of your life? I miss her so very much.

Does she have any idea how I'm feeling? Hurt? Sadness? Anger? Take a pick! All of the above. I could write a story on just my feelings alone on the day she left. But, who'd want to read a sad story? She was good for me. I loved her so much. It's so hard to let go. Again, I ask myself. Does she have any idea how I'm feeling?

I still hear her voice in me. "I love you. I'm so sorry for leaving you behind."

**The End**


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